I can't seem to keep up with a routine post

And obviously I can't type out everything that has happened in the past 4 months.

So, here's a synopsis of the past on-goings;

JANUARY-

By far the best month. Everyone: Bel, Kim, Leng, Vad and Nikki. We could still go out. School was on but it just wasn't on full blast. I miss this :(
I even went out clubbing with Leng for the first time ever. Like, full throttle clubbing. Had the best night with her and even met new/old friends. Went home around 5 in the morning. No hang over. HOHOHO.

FEBRUARY-

Things started to slow down a little right here. But I finally got my driving license and was allowed to drive. Since we had an extra car... MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Here also, Haneya and I started bonding more and more. Crazy 5 days straight worth of sleeping over :3

MARCH-

Why hello, March. This would be what I call the heartbreak March. The month where everywhere we marched, there seemed to be heartbreak. ZIZZ. See what I did tharr? Total let down. Oh wellz, what to do. I did enjoy myself a little too much during SPM. And before that too, of course. But good thing I got all credits. yayayayy.

APRIL-

Tomorrow is Leng's birthday. I miss Leng.

It feels good to just cry out your hearts content in the shower. The falling water makes it seem, less lonely.

A lot of things have happened over the course of one month. That being after SPM and New Year.
things are pretty much the same, but it's how I'm looking at things that has changed. I'm just a lot of tired and very little happy nowadays. From cooking, cleaning and laundry to taking care of a toddler, you can say I'm pretty much doing it all. Then there's caring for the sick, cranky, moody father.

I get really exhausted, and at times, the exhaustion gets the best of me.
I'm at fault here, I know.
But it would be nice to see a change of scenery.
This is becoming too much of a routine.

Wow.

Now that's a tad bit insensitive.
And coming from me, you'd probably just laugh at it.

What with all the hints, I think you should probably get it? But apparently you don't.
Id like things to change, but first, someone has to make a move.

Wukeyfcbkywebfckuybwekufcyb staying up late is never good.
You tend to over think useless things.
Goodnight.

Hello.

It's 3am.
And I feel awfully emotional again.
I really can't wait until everything ends on the 5th. By then I'd be free.


"I love you... I never told you that but I love you! You very good friend"

It's the texts like these that keep me going sometimes.

How it used to be

Just isn't how it is right now.

I'm not being a very good friend, I know. I'm supposed to tell you that too, I know.
But its hard to tell you when you won't. Really... Listen.

Some things are just better left unsaid. Throw all thoughts about it in a box, lock it up and burn it. Make sure the fire is huuugee. We'll be having a jamboree, dancing around that fire of unsaid things.

As for my forecast results; I'm happy. All credits. I can make use of that :D but somehow, someone jut won't be satisfied with the things you do.

I'm growing up, sure.
I still miss those days when I was younger. Waaaaaay younger.

Being the gutless chicken I am

I'll just, yknow, lay here.

So many things going on in the head, but only few actually oases through the mouth.
But it's better this way, right?
The unsaid should be left unsaid. There's a reason for that.
It may not be a good reason, but it's reason enough. Right?

SPM is less than a month away. I'm not ready at all.
I can kiss my straight As goodbye.

Yeah, I was aiming for straight As, but seeing me now and what I've been doing?
Yeah, I'll kiss them goodbye. But they never were that close anyway, so I'll just bade them goodbye.

How sad.

After a while

You just realize that you're the horrible friend.

I've been excruciatingly cranky to people. And lately, I've been overly emotional.
Too emotional.
I don't know how my friends, or even some people, can put up with that.
Every single day.
That's what makes me appreciate my friends the most.

Those who can't handle you at your worst, definitely don't deserve you at your best.

I should just disappear. Or maybe transform into a cat.
Shouldn't that suffice? :3

A lot has been happening these past few months.

Good things, thats for sure. Bad things, those just can't be avoided.
And to summarize everything I'll just say its been building up character. For me, and most of us.

Relationships between people had been bittersweet, rocky, oh just everything.
I hate SPM. It makes me think twice about everything I'm about to do. Wait, that's good. Nevermind. Moving on.

My inner voice, I believe, is currently hibernating. I've been doing more wrongs than rights.

Climbing fences, keeping secrets I don't think I should be keeping, going behind my parents back. I've been a horrible child.

And God feels like he's still right there. Giving me second chances every now and then and I keep. On. Doing. The. Same. Mistakes.

Worthless

Who even fails math nowadays? who gets bloody low marks for moral?
I even bet up a kid. I had my reasons but I don't think those reasons were good enough to beat. Him. Up. Its a monstrosity, no. I'm a monstrosity.

Sometimes.

At many points of life, I wonder what am I doing here when I'm obviously not good enough for anything. I'm not helping anyone. I suck at cheering people up. No lives rare brightened thanks to me.

What am I doing here?

I forgot to mention

A kid grabbed my ass.

What the actual bloody habibah.

When it rains

Things get wet. Very wet.

I can't say the same goes for my cheeks though. They're quite dry, if you exclude the facial moisture and humidity.

I haven't been on for a looonnng time now. I miss you blogger :( and the reason isn't even legitimate. I just didn't want to go on because I refuse to type a post on this bloody piece of touch screen block. It feels so dead. It just doesn't feel the same. Anywho, life has been long. Or at least that's what it felt like.

I honestly don't know what to feel about it.
I'm just a ball of undecided emotions.
What with SPM just around the corner. 68 days to be exact.
Where did all the time go?
On one end, I'm awfully glad it's going to be over, and on the other I'm just not ready to go through this.

OMAGAS

HELLO CIVILISATION.

I haven't seen you in a while baby, where have you been?
I miss cyberspace. Its been so so lobg :(

Life has been ugly.
My dad was hospitalised. I had second thoughts. My mom had a breakdown. Then it was my turn.

When the lights are out.

I feel gaseous.

I tried putting it in the nicest way possible. 

Greenish

Just a little greenish.

I look at all my friends and they've all improved. It's either that or they're improving. In the process of growing up, being a better person, looking prettier.

And I'm still the one static. Hmm :(

There I was

lying ever-so-innocently on the carpet, browsing through site after site for *my future* when BAM.

The ugliest, longest, fattest, most brown figurine captured my eyes.
A COCKROACH.
The bloody thing stayed stationary for a while and made its' move towards me. I CRAWLED UP THE FRIGGIN BED IN A HURRY AND THE HAIRY BEAST STOMPED ALL OVER MY LAPTOP LIKE IT OWNS THE BLOODY THING. Since when did cockroaches become such bosses?

So I'm gonna have a quick shower before bed and it's 3:06AM. Cockroach, I pray that you're out of the room by now.

Say that. 

And I'll give you this. 

And then this. 

Just because it seems like the most relevant thing right now. 

There's only two types of people in the world

It's up to you

to say what you want to say, and it's completely your choice to think what you want to think.

But I just can't help but to feel, slightly appalled by some people who have a certain kind of thinking. Ugh, anyway, moving on.

Friday:

KAMIJAN'S BIRTHDAY

I think almost all my friends went to the La Salle concert. 

All I did was go to the library and did a little bit of History and Physics. Opposing subjects, are they not?  I'M JUST COOL THAT WAY, STOP JUDGING ME haa. 

Later at night went for dinner at Welcome Seafood Restaurant for my mom heh heh heh. I personally think the food there is really good. I have yet to try all the dishes there but the one dish I love most is the Welcome special tofu. It's some kind of tofu with seafood inside, doused with mayonnaise. omnomnom :) 

Then we went to my uncle's house. 

There was a church meeting there so that was where the holy party of the day came in. I wasn't really concentrating though hmm :l Attention span, not so good. 

AND TODAY WE RE PAINTED THE LINES AT THE SCHOOL'S PARKING LOT. DAMN PRODUCTIVE THERE. But I went home quite late. So I called him. I like his voice haha 

EYES, FEAST ON THIS

This isn't intended for anyone

I just want to smash everything right now. 

Not angry, not too happy. 

Just, indifferent. 

The landscape of my emotional portrait is, completely blank.